Tuesday, August 7, 2012

It's a Weighty Issue

I don't even own a scale. I used to, but I think it was broken because it never told me the right numbers! I was addicted to it at one time. I'd weigh myself morning, noon and night and sometimes more often. I always expected the numbers to be less or at least the same as the last weigh-in. When I started putting on weight, weighing myself became too painful. Why would I put myself through that? Why was I torturing myself? So I threw out the scale and haven't owned one since.
In Grade 3, Mrs. Mossman's class, someone came in with a scale.....the public health nurse maybe? I'm not sure. All the kids had to be weighed. I don't know why and probably as a kid I didn't really care. I do remember my number being more than others in the class even if it was in that silly metric stuff. I recall feeling bad and not understanding why. At an early age I was already associating the scale and weight with bad emotions.
I had tried to diet through out the years, but it wasn't until I was in Grade 12 that I took off a significant amount of weight. Of course, I wanted to look good for graduation. I probably lost 20 pounds and I gained self esteem, but there was always the comparison to others girls in my grade. I realize now that probably every girl there felt the exact same as I did.
Some people might say "oh, your mother must have been really weight conscious to make you feel this way." Honestly, that wasn't it. I never remember my Mom obsessing over her weight - sure she wanted to look nice, but.....no, she didn't influence me in that way. Mom was a great role model. She provided healthy meals and loads of support.
When I was in my 20's and took off some more weight I became really obsessed with the scale. Every trip to the bathroom required a weigh-in. Here is what I know now. I WAS what I was striving for all that time. I WAS slim, normal, pretty and everything I thought I wasn't. I know this now because when I look back at pictures of me I think "what did I have to complain about ?" I feel remorse for that person and I wish I could tell her what I know now.
I have spent lot's of time forgetting, ignoring, and stuffing the feelings down. I have wasted lot's of time not doing anything. Not doing anything has gotten me where I am now. Or, maybe, doing to much has gotten me here. At any rate, after not weighing myself for 10 years, I now have to face my demons and hop on the scale. On the Medifast program I have to weigh once a week - AND I don't even own a scale.
I fought it. I fought it hard. I don't want to weigh myself. I don't want to be attached to a number. I don't want to be obsessed again. But if this is what I must do to be healthy, to lose the weight once and for all then.....well, I guess I have to. CHANGE. So today, if you need me I won't be at home. I'll be at Walmart testing out the scales.

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